Frankly Speaking - What was I thinking?
Family - "Some say you can pick your friends but not your family"... but do you... and for what reason?
We feel you do and for a very specific reason....to LEARN.
When we have choosen a difficult family, some think you need to be there because "it is family" and at any price. An ideal family is a group where you can feel the safest with opening up to sharing how you feel and to just be the true you. An ideal Family can be a group which allows for some mistakes because they know they are all loved, unconditionally. If they do, they would be open to *communicating about anything.
When family is an unsafe environment either physically and/or emotionally you need to disconnect and evaluate what you are putting yourself through. Yes, you. They may behave badly or crossing boundaries (Is there boundries?) but your perception of the situation is based on your expectations. Healthy or not they are your expectations of someone else. This is where it gets sticky for most.
You see... controlling behaviors will teach you how little control you have. The sooner you realize that you cannot control others, it gives you your control in "choosing"--you can start taking steps in choosing what you want to do. Here is something to keep in mind, the world is not about you... it is for you. This means you get to choose what you want around you in "your world".
Think about this; you can not fix a problem with the same mind that has created it. It takes two to have a fight or a difficult situation. You have helped to create what is in your life. So, if you do not like where you are, perhaps, it is time to make a change. When you discover what your boundaries are then enforce them. What we mean by this is that you can communicate your intention. Sometimes it is best to remove yourself when the boundries are crossed, so you can evaluate what it is that you want now.
Be the change you wish to see in your family. If you want to be treated with respect and honest *communication through love then you need to give it. The golden rule is to treat others they way you wanted to be treated not treat them how they treated you. Follow three boundaries with your communication; is it kind, is it true and (not or) is it necessary? If it is only two out of three then maybe you need to evaluate what you want to say or how you want to say it. Keep in mind when dealing with others, necessary is a matter of perception. Speak from what you want the possibility to be and not where you have been.
Families that are dysfunctional are learning functionality though difficult means. With saying that, I want to be very clear that it is healthy and completely OK to say NO more. When a situation has become a danger (Most associate danger with physical but emotionally abusive behavior, can be just as dangerous and it can kill as well, we have all seen.) you need to remove yourself from it, to be safe.
Always remember, if you find yourself on fire (angry); Stop it, what ever is going on. Drop it, have no grudges. Roll with it, even if you have to roll out of the room or place you are at.
*Communication- while you are talking the other listens and when they talk, you listen. This means no formulating what you want to say next in your head or jumping in.
"Never make assumptions about someone else's intentions based on your perception...
If it hurts ask." - Christine Anderson
"If you knew you had one hour left on earth, what is your legacy? Speak your truths from a higher road". -Susan Anderson
So if someone has said something that you are hurt over ask if they meant to hurt you by what they said and above all keep calm, at least inside of you. Stress can kill. You and the people you love are worth positive communication!
We feel you do and for a very specific reason....to LEARN.
When we have choosen a difficult family, some think you need to be there because "it is family" and at any price. An ideal family is a group where you can feel the safest with opening up to sharing how you feel and to just be the true you. An ideal Family can be a group which allows for some mistakes because they know they are all loved, unconditionally. If they do, they would be open to *communicating about anything.
When family is an unsafe environment either physically and/or emotionally you need to disconnect and evaluate what you are putting yourself through. Yes, you. They may behave badly or crossing boundaries (Is there boundries?) but your perception of the situation is based on your expectations. Healthy or not they are your expectations of someone else. This is where it gets sticky for most.
You see... controlling behaviors will teach you how little control you have. The sooner you realize that you cannot control others, it gives you your control in "choosing"--you can start taking steps in choosing what you want to do. Here is something to keep in mind, the world is not about you... it is for you. This means you get to choose what you want around you in "your world".
Think about this; you can not fix a problem with the same mind that has created it. It takes two to have a fight or a difficult situation. You have helped to create what is in your life. So, if you do not like where you are, perhaps, it is time to make a change. When you discover what your boundaries are then enforce them. What we mean by this is that you can communicate your intention. Sometimes it is best to remove yourself when the boundries are crossed, so you can evaluate what it is that you want now.
Be the change you wish to see in your family. If you want to be treated with respect and honest *communication through love then you need to give it. The golden rule is to treat others they way you wanted to be treated not treat them how they treated you. Follow three boundaries with your communication; is it kind, is it true and (not or) is it necessary? If it is only two out of three then maybe you need to evaluate what you want to say or how you want to say it. Keep in mind when dealing with others, necessary is a matter of perception. Speak from what you want the possibility to be and not where you have been.
Families that are dysfunctional are learning functionality though difficult means. With saying that, I want to be very clear that it is healthy and completely OK to say NO more. When a situation has become a danger (Most associate danger with physical but emotionally abusive behavior, can be just as dangerous and it can kill as well, we have all seen.) you need to remove yourself from it, to be safe.
Always remember, if you find yourself on fire (angry); Stop it, what ever is going on. Drop it, have no grudges. Roll with it, even if you have to roll out of the room or place you are at.
*Communication- while you are talking the other listens and when they talk, you listen. This means no formulating what you want to say next in your head or jumping in.
"Never make assumptions about someone else's intentions based on your perception...
If it hurts ask." - Christine Anderson
"If you knew you had one hour left on earth, what is your legacy? Speak your truths from a higher road". -Susan Anderson
So if someone has said something that you are hurt over ask if they meant to hurt you by what they said and above all keep calm, at least inside of you. Stress can kill. You and the people you love are worth positive communication!
Thank you for this entry.I am sending it to my daughter who has to put up with my family.Bless her heart.Can you tell me if things are ok with my younger sister.My daughter is concerned for her but I am not able to talk to her.
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Yolanda-
I am so glad this was comforting to you and you found something that touched you in a way to forward it. We try not to use this as a forum for readings, just education and reflections. One thing I will tell you is... be more concerned about depression and keep your thought reflective to you. Be the change you want in your family. This will open doors for others. I hope this helps.
Susan and Christine
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